SUEvivor: Lost
by Jade Snape-Holloway
Summary: Ten Lost Mary Sues...Nine challenges...One winner...Who will be The Ultimate Lost Mary Sue?
1. Chapter 1

SUEVIVOR: LOST

A/N: Yes, it▓s season 4 of my SUEvivor series! Hogwarts.Or.Bust convinced me to do this one, so thank you! Anyway, it▓s true that Lost Mary Sues aren▓t a HUGE problem on this site, but trust me. Go to quizilla. com. It▓s got some crazy Sues. So, here we go! Please review!

CHALLENGE 1: QUESTIONS (just assume that all future seasons of SUEvivor will start out with this one)

Beach!Sue- Evey Other!Sue- Moxie Alex!Sue- Alex (duh)  
Sister!Sue- Sarah Flash-Back!Sue- Mariah Daughter!Sue- Emily Author!Sue- Jade S.  
Taliy!Sue- Teresa OMG! I▓m-On-Lost-Island!Sue - Amber Random-Island-Girl!Sue- Natasha

Only one can be┘.The Ultimate Lost SUEvivor!!!

Somewhere over an ocean, a plane was flying.  
In it, ten Mary Sues sat, each one prettier, tragic-er, and blonder than the first.  
Some of them were looking out the window, deep in thought (or at least, trying to get a thought), while others listened to music or read a book to show how smart they were.

Evey looked up from here window. She wasn▓t having deep thoughts, she was admiring her reflection. She was blond with sparkling, ocean blue eyes.  
⌠So, are we gonna fly to the island? Cause if we can, can▓t the rescue planes?■ she asked.  
Mariah, who had long, strawberry blonde hair and sea green eyes, smacked Evey on the head. ⌠Was that an intelligent thought? What kind of Sue are you?! We don▓t do that!■ ⌠Sorry, Mariah, I just wondered how we were getting there,■ Evey shrugged.

⌠Well, to answer your question,■ said a not-so-pretty flight attendant, ⌠we▓re going to crash the plane with you still on it.■

⌠WHAT?!■ shrieked all the Sues.

⌠Yeah, it▓s the only way to get to this island, unless you have a submarine. And the author of this fic kind of wants to see a plane full of Sues crash,■ the mere mortal explained.

⌠Oh, god! What▓s gonna happen to my hair?!■ Amber cried, clutching her shoulder length, ash blonde hair.

⌠No one cares about your hair, woman!■ Natasha screamed, shaking Amber. Natasha was one of the rare not-blond Sues. Instead her hair was a mysterious black and her eyes were silver!

⌠We▓re all gonna die,■ Jade S. said dully.

And┘.the plane crashed.  
And all the Sues were hit in the head with suit cases at the same time.

XOXOXOXOXO

⌠Wwwwaaaake uuuuuupppp,■ a voice was saying.  
They Sues were all laying on the beach, and they were all unconscious. Miraculously unharmed, though (too bad, I know.  
Emily, who was smarter than most of the other Sues, worked out that the voice wanted them to wake up. She opened her violet eyes and stared up into the blue sky above her, trying to ignore the group of vultures circling her and the others.

Slowly, the other Sues were sitting up.  
Teresa rubbed her forehead. ⌠Wow! Not even a scratch!■ She had her long blond hair in a pony tail and her brown eyes were always flashing, even for no reason. Think of her as a blond Ana Lucia.

Standing in front of the Sues was a girl who looked just like Jade S., only less incredible. ⌠Hello, Sues! Welcome to the 4th season of SUEvivor! I▓m your host, Jade H.!■ she said.  
⌠As you may know, SUEvivor is the ONLY game show for Sues! You ten will live on this island for nine weeks, each week voting one of your fellow Sues off the island! By the ninth week, one of you will be named Ultimate Lost Mary Sue! Now, if you▓ll all just follow me┘■ Jade H. said.

⌠OMG!■ Amber said as she brushed sand off her incredibly tiny outfit. ⌠I can▓t believe I▓m on the Lost island! I hope I meet Sawyer, and Jack, and Boone, and Charlie!■ she babbled.

⌠Boone and Charlie are dead,■ Moxie pointed out. She had long, wavy brown hair and blue eyes. Evey already didn▓t like her, being an Other and all.

⌠Of course they▓re alive!■ Amber laughed. Then she looked evil and grabbed Moxie by the front of her tiny shirt. ⌠They-are-alive-damn you!■

⌠Hey! Knock it off, or I swear to God, I will beat the HELL out of you SO much!■ Teresa snarled. She looked around at the stunned Sues. ⌠What are you looking at? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!?!?!?■

After a moment of shocked silence, the Sues reached the place Jade H. had disappeared to: A spot on the beach where ten tents had been set up.  
⌠Here we are! This is where you▓ll stay for the next few weeks. And over at the caves we▓ll do the challenges. I▓ll let you guys get settled in and then I▓ll send you a message when it▓s time for your challenge,■ Jade H. said, walking off.

⌠T-this is where we▓ll stay?■ Sarah asked, looking at the tents which were made out of blues tarps.  
⌠Yep. It▓s just like the second season of SUEvivor when we all had to live on a ship,■ Jade S. said, walking into her tent.

In side, a poofy pink sleeping bag had been laid out for her.  
Bean bags (also in pink) where set up around the tent for in case she had visitors. A large mirror was in one corner and right next to it was a trunk packed full of all her tiny clothes.  
Jade S. looked through it until she found a blue t-shirt so tight fitting it looked like it was cutting off the blood circulation to her brain.  
Then she put on an equally tight fitting pair of jeans and was ready to go.

Teresa was back on the beach, smoking a cigarette.  
She was wearing cut offs and a t-shirt that was tied up on her stomach.  
Teresa glared at Jade S., who smiled back.  
⌠Look, weirdo,■ Teresa said. ⌠Don▓t mess with me, and I won▓t mess with you.■ Jade S. rolled her eyes.

Soon the other Sues were finished unpacking and had come back to the beach to talk.  
Amber, who was wearing a tiny mini-skirt and tube top, kept pointing at things and screaming, ⌠LOOK! IT▓S JUST LIKE THE ONE ON LOST!■

Suddenly, Natasha was hit in the head with a rock.  
⌠WHAT THE (&$?!?!?■ she screamed, picking up the rock, which had a note tied to it.  
⌠Look, it▓s the instructions for our next challenge,■ Natasha said, opening the note.  
⌠Why is it written on a banana leaf?■ Sarah asked.  
⌠I dunno. It says to go to the caves for our first challenge,■ Natasha read.  
All the Sues trekked through the jungle to the caves.

XOXOXOXOXO

For some reason, it was suddenly night time.  
Torches had been light all around the caves and Jade H. was waiting for them, along with four other people┘

⌠SAWYER!■ ⌠JACK!■ ⌠BOONE!■ ⌠CHARLIE!■

All the Sues screamed and swarmed up to the hot guys.

⌠OK, seriously, Sues, these are your judges, lets not maul them yet,■ Jade H. said, standing over the frenzy of Sues and Hotties. After a few minutes, some people who worked on the show managed to pull the Sues off of the poor little guys.

Sawyer glared at Jade H. ⌠No one ever told me there would be Sues involved!■ ⌠True, we left that out. But the producers just said you▓d be judging a lot of hot women; it▓s not our fault if you didn▓t figure out they▓d be Sues. Anyway, on to the challenge.  
Like the past three seasons of SUEvivor, the first challenge will be the Sueish question challenge. The judges will ask you a question and you, Sues, will have to respond in the most Sueish way possible. The most Sueish answer wins! Start now!■

⌠I▓LL go first,■ Jack said, pushing the other judges out of the way. ⌠Ahem. Evey. As a Beach!Sue, what do you do all day?■

⌠Well, I usually force myself into all major events on the island, insist of being the center of attention, seduce my author▓s favorite hottie, and angst about all the tragedy in my life,■ Evey explained, batting her unnaturally long eye lashes.

⌠Great. Moxie? As one of the Others, how would you convince us of your loyalties?■ Charlie asked, reading the questions from a piece of paper.

⌠Oh, I angst about being an out cast and how no one loves me and you all just believe I▓m good to shut me up,■ Moxie shrugged. ⌠It helps that I▓m super pretty, too.■

⌠Mmm hmm┘Uh, Alex. During the being of Lost, no one really knew who Alex was, so people started writing fics about her and you were the result. Now that we know who she is, how will you stay around?■ Boone asked her.

⌠I have my people kill off the real Alex and I take her place,■ Alex said without even hesitating. Every thing was so quiet you could hear crickets.

⌠Oh┘Kay┘Sarah? You▓re a Sister!Sue, but whose sister are you?■ Sawyer asked.

⌠I▓m yours and Jack▓s. Surprisingly there are no Sister!Sues for anyone else,■ Sarah said. ⌠Also, there▓s often a really big age gap between us cause I▓m sometimes like, 13 or 12, and our parents died when you were 8, so it often doesn▓t work.■

⌠Right, well, Mariah? Is it harder being a Flash-Back!Sue compared to a normal, up front Sue?■ Jack asked.

⌠No really. If I▓m a Flash-Back!Sue, I don▓t have to deal with all that island-y-ness. I can drive, listen to music, or be that mysterious girl Sawyer meets in a bar,■ Mariah told them.

⌠OK, and Jade S.? What do you do about the fact that you▓re actually a happy person and have nothing to angst about?■ Charlie asked.

⌠I guess I just don▓t angst,■ Jade S. said, but then she noticed the looks the other Sues were giving her and changed her answer. ⌠I mean, I just angst about the fact I have nothing to angst about┘■

⌠Oh, OK then,■ said Boone. ⌠Emily. What▓s life like as a Daughter!Sue?■

⌠It▓s easy, I just have too many fluff scenes between me and Sawyer and Jack,■ Emily said.

Sawyer and Jack froze. ⌠W-why both of us?■

⌠Oh, have I not told you? I▓m your daughter. Both of yours. I▓m your fault,■ Emily said. Sawyer and Jack ran off to throw up.

Sawyer stopped long enough to read the next question. ⌠Teresa. How are you different from Ana Lucia?■

⌠Please. I▓d kick that pansy▓s ass,■ said Teresa in a board tone.

⌠Amber? How exactly did you get on the island?■ Jack asked.

⌠OMG! It was like this, like, giant lightning storm! It hit my TV while I was watching Lost and ZAP! I was on the island!!! But my friends were also there┘Don▓t know where they went┘■ Amber said, looking around the caves as if she expected to see them.

⌠Kay, last but not least, Natasha. Explain to us just what a Random-Island-Girl!Sue does,■ asked Charlie.

⌠I was on the island for a long time, but I▓m not one of the Others. I just walk around looking cool,■ said Natasha, looking mysterious.

⌠OK, now we▓ll check your answers and see who wins immunity,■ Boone said. The judges leaned over their clip boards, muttering as dramatic music played.

After several minutes of talking, Jack looked up. ⌠I-I mean WE have decided. The winner tonight is┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘...Sarah, for using such brilliant Sue logic!■

⌠Yay!■ said Sarah.

⌠And now for the voting ceremony,■ said Jade H. as she picked up a hollowed out coconut.  
⌠Sarah, since you won immunity, you go first. Please write down the name of whoever you want voted out on a banana leaf and put it in here.■

Sarah wrote down a name and the other Sues followed.  
Soon they had all gone and Jade H. picked up the coconut.

⌠First vote, Moxie. Next vote, Alex. Moxie. Alex. Two votes Moxie, two votes Alex. Mariah. Teresa. Teresa. Alex. Teresa. Emily. And the first person voted off of SUEvivor: Lost is┘..■

TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

⌠┘.Alex.■

⌠WHAT?! NO!■ Alex screamed. Security dragged her away from the island.

Jade H. turned back to the Sues. ⌠I▓ll see you ladies next week for your next challenge!■

END OF CHALLENGE 1.

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: The Mary Sue▓s tragic-ness is challenged next week and Amber▓s friends may pop up.

A/N: OK, any resemblance to real OC▓s is NOT intentional and I▓m not calling your OC a Sue. Please review! 


	2. Challenge 2: Angstoff

SUEvivor: LOST

A/N: Thank you to my one reviewer! Hope people review this one!

CHALLENGE 2: ANGST-OFF.

The Sues were sitting on the beach, mostly just staring at the ocean, tying to look deep.  
Natasha, using her super Sue abilities, had built a TV out of bamboo, so some of the Sues were watching that.  
Jade S. walked up to them. ⌠Whatcha guys watchin▓?■ ⌠Infomercials,■ was the reply.  
⌠Oh. Why?■ Jade S. asked.  
⌠SHHHH!!!■ the Sues snapped.  
⌠Oh┘kay┘■ Jade S. walked off to join Amber, who was painting her nails.

⌠OMG! This like, totally, like, rocks!!■ Amber squealed.  
⌠Uh huh,■ Jade S. answered. The two Sues heard something. ⌠Hmm. Yep, I definitely hear the evil plotting of Mary Sues,■ Jade S. said. The two of them listened closely.

Sarah and Emily were hiding behind some conveniently placed bushes.  
⌠How can we get the others voted out?■ Emily was muttering. ⌠Ooo ooo! I could go up to one of those big mountains and roll a boulder on top of them!■ Emily whispered enthusiastically.  
⌠I said get them voted out, not killed!■ ⌠Oh┘damn.■ ⌠Hey┘.I know what we can do!■ Sarah said.

⌠Hey guys! The next challenge just came in!■ Evey said, holding up a rock.  
⌠I guess we▓ll find out their plan later,■ Jade S. said.  
⌠We▓ll find out whose what now?■ Amber said. Jade S. just rolled her eyes.

⌠Our challenge says that this week we have to ▒get our angst on,▓ whatever that means,■ Evey read.  
⌠Hmm. That▓s weird. Well, whatever it is, I▓m sure I▓ll win, cause I▓m just that awesome. What?■ Moxie asked, for everyone was glaring at her.

XOXOXOXOXO

//later//

That night all the Sues trekked through the jungle to get to the caves.  
They found Jade H., the judges, and two other people waiting for them.  
⌠BOB AND PHIL!!!■ Jade S. cried, running up to see everyone▓s favorite sportscasters.  
⌠Yep. Bob and Phil have agreed to help us with this challenge,■ Jade H. said.  
⌠Well, I had to convince Phil to do it. He never wants to do anything,■ Bob said.  
⌠Don▓t start this again, Bob,■ Bob said.

⌠AHEM. Anyway, today▓s challenge is-■ Jade H. broke off and turned around as they all heard crashing noises behind them.  
⌠The hell?■ she said.

⌠Michelle, I▓m telling you! We▓re going to wrong way!■ someone was saying.  
⌠No we▓re not! I heard people talking!■ said another.  
Suddenly, two other Sues came into the caves.  
They were both really tall with wavy blond hair. One had sparkling emerald eyes and the other had gray-ish ones.

⌠MICHELLE!! ALEXANDRA!!■ Amber cried.  
⌠Again, the hell?■ Jade H. said.  
⌠These are my friends! Usually OMG!I▓m-On-The-Island!Sues come to the island with their friends and so did I! Well, these are the some of the authors friends, buts that▓s the case most of the time anyway.■ (disclaimer: Michelle and Alexandra are not the author▓s friend▓s first names. That▓s right. Jade isn▓t the author▓s first name, either, and she▓s not allowed to say what it really is.)

⌠Yeah, we were like, just watching Lost, and then random lightning hit the TV and here we are!■ Alexandra said.  
⌠OMG! Like, totally! Hey, were did Michelle go?■ Amber asked.  
⌠Help┘.me┘■ said Charlie, for Michelle had him in a bone crushing hug.

⌠OK, let▓s just get to the challenge, kay?■ Jade H. asked exasperatedly.  
⌠It▓s called ▒Angst-off because that▓s what you▓ll be doing. It▓s a known fact that Lost Sues have more angst than anyone ever, and you▓ll all be competing to see who has the most of it. Ready? And┘.start angsting!■

All the Sues looked at each other. ⌠Ummm┘we▓ve been doing that since the day our Suethor created us,■ Evey said.  
⌠Yeah, and now you▓re gonna see who has the most angst!■ Jade H. said, sitting in that director▓s chair that▓s been there since the first season for some reason.

Natasha, being a slightly smart Sue, figured out what they were supposed to do.  
She began sobbing, but in a pretty way, of course.  
She dropped to her knees. ⌠Oh, my life is just SOOOOOOOOOO horrible! Watch me whine about it for 12 chapters,■ she cried.

The others caught on. Moxie started crying beautiful, single tears. ⌠I▓m not really a bad person. I just need to be loved!■ ⌠I▓ve never known my father!■ Emily sobbed.  
⌠My nail polish is chipping!!!!!■ Amber screamed, tears pouring from her eyes.

Evey had mascara pouring down her face.  
⌠I was on the plane to escape my abusive boyfriend and parents!! And I▓ve been an orphan since I was a baby when I watched my parents DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!■ she howled. Some of the Sues briefly stopped their angsting to try and figure that logic out.

⌠Well, Bob, I think Evey is getting the lead on this challenge! Look at the beautiful, angsty trails of mascara on her face! And, oh, what▓s this?! Yes, she▓s bringing out a locket with a picture of her tragically killed parents in it!■ Phil said as the camera zoomed in on Evey.

⌠As angsty as that is, Phil, I think Natasha is doing pretty well. She doesn▓t even have something specific to angst about! She▓s just randomly whining!■ Bob said. The two of them were talking into microphones as if this was a sports game.

⌠Of course you disagree with me, Bob, you always have to be difficult!■ Phil screamed.  
⌠Phil, what did our counselor say?!■ Bob yelled.  
⌠Guys! Pay attention! Mariah▓s going over how many times she▓s been kidnapped and almost killed!■ Jade H. snapped.

⌠And then there was that time when I was on this part of the island, and the time I was on that other part of the island, and when I was on the beach. Oh, and then the Others kidnapped me like, 38 times, so LOOK AT MY ANGSTINESS!!!■

Jade S. was watching the sobbing Sues and trying to think of something to angst about.  
She then dropped to her knees and screamed to the sky, ⌠WHY DID YOU CANCEL NIGHT STALKER, GOD!?!?!?! WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYY?!?!?!■

Suddenly, Jade H.▓s egg timer went off. ⌠OK, time▓s up! Let▓s see how you scored!■ Jade H. and Bob and Phil walked down the row of Sues, who had all stopped sobbing and whining and were looking pretty normal.  
⌠Hmm. Well, Evey, you had quite a few angsty things, but since they didn▓t make sense, you▓re not winning,■ Jade H. told her.  
⌠Damn,■ she muttered.

⌠Moxie, you did have something good to whine about, so good for you. Sarah, you didn▓t really angst that much cause Sister!Sues are mostly just fluffy little brats. Mariah┘.yeah, well┘you got kidnapped a lot. Jade S. I, too was devastated by the cancellation on Night Stalker, and cried for days, so good choice. Emily, good choice, too, very fan fiction-y. Teresa, you just pretty much stole everything that Ana Lucia angst about, so that▓s not cool. Amber, Sueish choice, but it was kind of┘..retarded. Evey┘.um┘.totally Sue logic, but┘.no earth-logic. I guess it▓s time to chose who wins!■ Jade H. said.

Dramatic music played as the camera slowly passed each of the Sues.  
⌠And tonight▓s immunity winner is┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘...Evey!■

⌠I told you Phil!!! You never listen to me!■ Bob yelled, whacking Phil on the head with his microphone.

⌠Guys! GUYS!!! This is not cool! Anyway, lets start the voting!■ Jade H. yelled over them, shaking her head. She gave Evey the coconut and Evey (her tears mysteriously disappeared) put the first name in it.

After that, Jade H. read the votes.  
⌠First vote, Teresa. Second vote, Natasha. Teresa. Moxie. Moxie. Teresa. Moxie. Emily. The next person voted out of LOST: SUEvivor is┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘.■

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

⌠┘┘Teresa.■

⌠I▓LL F(&( KILL YOU ALL!!!!■ Teresa screamed and continued to scream nasty things until security guards had to drag her away.

⌠Well, that was strange. See you guys next week!■ Jade H. said.

END OF CHALLENGE 2.

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: The Sues get a chance to show off they▓re awesome escaping abilities when they are kidnapped by Others.

A/N: I know this one wasn▓t very funny, but hey, review anyway, kay? OK, thanks: ) 


	3. Challenge 3: Escape from the Others

A/N: Hi people. Thanks for the reviews! Hope this chapter is good and sorry it took so long.

CHALLENGE 3: ESCAPE FROM THE OTHER▓S CAMP

It was a week after their last challenge and the Sues were lying on the beach to get a tan.  
It▓s a good thing they were on a deserted island, too, because the sight of that many Sues in little bikinis would have caused mass fainting spells.

Ever since Teresa was voted out, things had become a lot less┘violent. No one was giving anyone death threats, so that was nice.  
Emily and Sarah▓s alliance had grown, yet Amber and Jade S. still didn▓t know their plan.  
Natasha and Moxie had started spending more time together; they had both grown up on the island and so they each had a good time being mysterious together.

Evey was sitting on the beach, putting on her never ending supply of sun screen.  
She looked up when she heard something in the jungle behind her. Before she had even looked beautifully puzzled, someone jumped out and grabbed her.

XOXOXOXOXO

The next thing Evey knew, she was sitting in a dark room with all the other Sues.  
⌠WTF was that?!■ Amber demanded. Being a Sue from this year, she liked to use chat speak.  
Suddenly, the lights flared on dramatically. Jade H. was standing in the door way of a large, empty, white room.

⌠Hello, Sues! And welcome to your third challenge! As many of you know, most Lost Mary Sues inevitably get kidnapped by Others (disclaimer: just cause your OC gets kidnapped does not make her a Mary Sue. Just in most fics the Sue gets kidnapped.) and then find some way to escape. Well, that▓s what you▓ll be doing today: getting kidnapped and escaping!■ Jade H. explained.

A bunch of Others came out and put those bag thingies over the Sues head▓s.  
⌠Is this really necessary?■ Sarah asked.  
⌠Hey! Don▓t question the game! You signed a contract! That▓s right, we own your ass!■ Jade H. snapped as the Sues were lead to different places.

XOXOXOXOXO

The Sues were lead to places in groups of three, because there▓s just not enough places for the Others to take all those Sues.  
So, Sarah, Mariah, and Emily were all in another empty white room, only this time they were strapped to an operating table.

⌠Oh my God! They▓re gonna experiment on us!■ Emily cried.  
⌠Don▓t be stupid; why would they experiment on us?■ Sarah said.  
⌠Hmm. Guess it wouldn▓t make any sense, would it?■

Just then, three Others came in, dressed in lab clothes.  
⌠Mary Sues, you have been kidnapped by us and we will now do horrible experiments on you! Maw hahahahahaha!■ laughed the first one.  
⌠What▓s the point in that?■ Mariah asked.  
The Other stopped laughing. ⌠Oh┘I don▓t know┘hey, since when did these things make sense?! Anyway, time to start┘THE OPERATION!!! BAW HAHAHAHAHAHA!■

The Others started up some nasty equipment, but the Sarah just stayed in her place calmly.  
⌠WHAT THE HELL, SARAH?! THEY▓RE GONNA KILL US!!!!!!!!■ Emily screamed.  
⌠Wait for it┘.yep, here we go,■ Sarah said.  
⌠Hey, what the┘.■someone said.  
Sawyer, Jack, and Charlie were suddenly standing there.

⌠Hey, who let you guys in here?■ the lead Other demanded, shutting off his torture thingy.  
⌠We weren▓t even trying to get in! I was just saving some stupid extra, and then, BAM! I ended up in here!■ Jack said.  
⌠I summoned you guys with my Sue powers,■ Sarah explained. ⌠You three are here to rescue us.■ All the Others and hot guys stared at her. ⌠Well, come on. Start fighting over us! Don▓t make me use my power of OCCness to make you do what I want!■

⌠Um┘let them go┘■ Charlie said dully.  
But Jack, who couldn▓t resist playing hero, attacked all the Others at once. As the Others were beating up on him, the Sues got free and escaped.

XOXOXOXOXO

Evey, Jade S., and Amber were thrown into a polar bear cage, like Sawyer and Kate were.  
⌠Hey! This isn▓t fair! We▓re hot!!!■ Jade S. screamed.  
⌠Lyk, OMG!!11 How are we even gonna get out of here?!■ Amber cried.  
⌠I know,■ said Evey, who was eating a fish biscuit (of course she already figured out the machine. She▓s a Sue). ⌠We wait for the guards to come by here and then┘.we seduce them into letting us go!■ ⌠Oh man, those poor guards will never stand a chance!■ Jade S. said.  
⌠It must be done,■ Evey said sadly.

So, the Sues waited in their cage for a while, eating fish biscuits.  
After a while a few of the Others came around the corner, conveniently all male.  
Since they were all wearing bikinis, it wasn▓t hard to look sexy. They just got in sexy poses around the bars.  
⌠Excuse me, oh-so-attractive Other, can you let us out?■ Evey said in a sexy whisper.

⌠Well┘■said one of the Others.  
⌠No! No! Don▓t listen to them! And don▓t look into their eyes!■ the older Other said, tackling the first one to the ground.  
⌠Oh, come on,■ Jade S. said. ⌠You know you want to.■ Amber was staring at one of the other Others. Her eyes had turned hypnotic . ⌠You will open the doors┘.you will let us go┘.■ He walked up to the cage like a zombie and opened it while the others were too busy trying to keep the first guy away.  
Amber patted him on the head. ⌠Like, thanks!■ And they all left.

XOXOXOXOXO

Moxie and Natasha had been paired together, since they were Mysterious!Sues.  
Now two Others were leading them away towards their cages or whatever.  
⌠Come on guys,■ Moxie was saying. ⌠I▓m one of you! Seriously!■ ⌠No, your not! We▓ve never seen you before,■ the Other said.  
⌠You told us you weren▓t an Other!■ Natasha said accusingly.  
⌠I tell you a lot of things,■ Moxie shrugged.  
⌠Whatever. On three, OK?■ ⌠OK.■ ⌠One. Two. Three!■

On three, the Sues attacked the Others, using the expert fighting skills they were born with.  
Soon, both the Others were on the ground, unconscious.  
⌠Well, that went quickly. Should we get lunch?■ Natasha asked.  
⌠Sure.■

XOXOXOXOXO

All the Sues had escaped and were standing in a row in front of Jade H.  
⌠Well, Sues, you all did really well today. The first group used their Evil Sue Summoning Powers ≥, the second one used their Super Seducing Powers ≥, and the third used their awesome fighting skills.  
Now, for a special SUEvivor twist, we will award immunity to a whole group!!!■ Jade H. announced.

There was a gasp from the Sues and the readers (gasp, dammit.  
⌠That▓s right!■ said Jade H. ⌠Now, the group who was most Sueish was┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘┘...Evey, Jade S., and Amber!■ All three Sues held hands and jumped up and down. ⌠WE WON! WE WON! WE WON!■ they said in high pitched voices.

⌠Great, now vote,■ Jade H. said, handing them the coconut.  
As soon as Group 2 had voted, the other Sues did so.  
Jade H. held up the all mighty coconut. ⌠I count the votes.■

⌠First vote, Moxie. Natasha. Sarah. Moxie. Emily. Moxie. Natasha. Mariah. And the third person voted out of Lost: SUEvivor is┘■

TEN MINUTES LATER.

⌠┘.Moxie.■

⌠You▓ll all pay for this!!!■ Moxie said dramatically as she swept away from the others.  
⌠Well, I▓ll see you Sues next week for your fourth challenge! Good night!■

END OF CHALLENGE 3.

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: Now that the Sues have escaped the Others, it▓s time to escape the island!

A/N: Sorry it took so long! Please review: D 


	4. Challenge 4: SOS

A/N: Thanks to my reviewers ! Sorry this took so long to get up. And I think I figured out how to get

rid of the weird marks in the text. Let me know if they're still there, kay?

CHALLENGE 4: S.O.S

Things had gotten less...suspicious since Moxie was voted out.  
Now the Sues didn't have to worry about her being one of the Others. On that day, the Sues were sitting around the beach, mopping about not having enough make up.

"This bites. All we have is that never ending supply of sun screen. Seriously, who cares about the sun? I want my eyeliner!!" Mariah whined.  
"You'll care about the sun when you get skin cancer," Emily said, ever the informative one.  
"Please," Mariah sniffed. "I don't have to worry. All the sun does to me is give that angelic glow." To demonstrate, she walked into the shade and the whole forest lit up.

"Well, if the Others didn't know we were here before, they do know," Jade S. said.  
"They wouldn't come here. No one wants to be around a bunch of Sues," Evey said. Everyone stared at her. "Oh...did I just say that out loud?"

"Ow," Amber said as a rock hit her in the head. "Our challenge is here. You know, it would be nice if they could stop throwing stuff at us"  
"But where's the amusement in that?" said a voice from the bushes. "Um.. I mean...I'm not here!"

Amber shook her head and unwrapped the note from the rock, all the Sues leaning over her shoulder.  
"Hmm," said Natasha. "It says, 'You proved yourselves capable of escaping the Others, now you must escape the island"  
"Well...that should be easy seeing as how no one else in the world has been able to do it," Sarah said sarcastically.

"Don't be so pessimistic, Debbie Downer!" Emily said in an annoyingly cheerful way.  
Sarah counted to ten and then hit her anyway. (did I mention things are getting a little tense on the island?)

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Evey went first, because she was the blondest.  
She was on a remote part of the island, being extra Sueish so the Others would leave her alone.  
Evey had a good plan to get off the island: she wouldn't get off the island. She would wait and let the rescuers come to her.  
"I am so smart," she thought as she tried to eat a coconut without whole.

She reached her random destination, sat on a blanket, and untied her bikini.  
Just a few seconds later, every plane, ship, row boat, and guy on a surf board came rushing up to her part of the island.  
Evey shook her head. What was it about a naked Sue that made guys around the world drop what they were doing and come to her?

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Sarah's idea took a bit longer.  
She sat on the tallest hill in the jungle (she was an expert hiker, of course) and she waited until a plane flew anyway near the island. Now, normally no planes got anyway near the island, but since this is a parody, things will go differently.

Off in the distance, she saw a faint glimmer of a plane.  
Sarah sat up quickly and smiled as big as she could. There was a 'bing' sound as the light flashed off her teeth, so bright it would have blinded normal people. She sent out an S.O.S to the plane.  
Soon the plane landed.  
"Eeeeexxxxelent," Sarah said, putting her hands together.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Mariah was totally not worried about this challenge.  
Didn't anyone ever wonder how she ended up on the island? Well, the answer came from her Super Sepshul Secret (tm). Mariah stepped into the woods, her strawberry blond hair dancing behind her, though how hair can dance is beyond me.  
When she reached a certain spot, she snapped her fingers and disappeared, ending up back in a sparkling pink apartment.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Jade S. was standing on the beach with a piece of paper in her hand that said 'How to Build a Raft for Mary Sues'  
"Mmm hmm, mmm hmmm," she said, then she threw the instructions behind her.  
So she picked up a hammer and some nails and started building a raft.

Within three minutes, she had a raft built out of bamboo, complete with a roof and a bamboo bed and TV. It was pretty awesome. "Well," she said. "That was easy. Guess it pays to be a Sue"  
She climbed into the raft. "Oh...I have no idea how to sail this...Wait! Now I know. Yep, definitely good to be a Sue"  
And Jade S. sailed off into the sun set singing the Gillagin's Island theme song.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Emily had a slightly more bold approach to getting off the island.  
She walked through the jungle until she reached the Other's camp thing. It wasn't really a camp, it was that place where they keep the submarine and stuff.

Everywhere she went the girls glared at her and the guys fainted. Course, the older guys who had been around more Sues knew better then to look directly at her, so they didn't faint.  
Emily walked past Alex, who muttered, "If looks could kill, you'd be almost dead right now!"

But Emily, who was very used to mortal girl's jealousy, didn't really mind.  
She stepped right up to Ben, who was covering his eyes to avoid being possessed by her Sueishness.  
"Hiya, Ben! Look, I need to use the submarine for reasons that I won't bother explaining," Emily said happily.  
"Yeah, sure, just leave before you make the guys go totally insane," Ben said.

"They're already worshiping me, so I think it's a little late for that," Emily pointed out.  
She smacked a guy on the head so he'd let go of her leg and marched off to the submarine.  
"It's sure a good thing I was born knowing how to drive this thing," Emily laughed.

"Hey, how are we supposed to get off the island?" that guy who wore a lot of eyeliner asked.  
"Hmm...I actually don't care," Emily told him. With an evil cackle, she zoomed off in the submarine.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Amber was still on the beach with all the tents.  
She had wheeled the bamboo TV up to her tent and was flipping through the channels.  
She passed M-TV ( M-TV as in Mary Sue TV) and went straight to the 24 hour TV Transportation Network.  
It was how she and her friends had ended up on the island. Not many people knew about this channel, except for some certain Sues.

Amber pressed the button on the remote that said 'enter.' The 'wooosh' sound that accompanies flash backs played and Amber went staight through the TV.  
She came out of the other side of the TV, into a TV studio filled with other Sues who were popping out of their TV.  
"Uh oh," she said. "The others will be mad. I still have their remote!"

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Natasha was also standing on a remote area of the beach.  
She had a couple of long ropes in her hand and was waiting quietly for...something.  
"What am I doing? I'm taking Jack Sparrow's advice," she said.  
"And...what's that?" Jim the camera man asked.  
"I'm gonna rope a couple of sea turtles and have them pull me off the island."

"Uh, do you really think that will work?" Jim asked.  
"Jim, how could it not work?" Natasha demanded. Jim subsided into silence.  
"OK, just gotta get some turtles..." Natasha muttered to herself.  
Conveniently enough, two sea turtles chose that time to come swimming up to her.

Natasha expertly threw a lasso around the two of them.  
She stepped on their backs like water skies.  
"So long, losers!" she yelled as they speed away from the beach.  
"Sometimes I forget I'm on a Sue show," Jim mumbled.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"OK, anyone seen Amber?" Jade H. asked.  
She was standing in front of all the Sues, except Amber, who had not returned.  
All the Sues shook their heads.  
"Alright, fine. We'll just have to start without her. OK, uh, Evey. You did really well on this challenge, but you also gave most of the old men around the world heart failure, so that kinda sucks."

"Sarah, you sent an S.O.S with the blinding light of your unaturally shiny teeth. That was a good move, but you blinded some fish. We have to take points for that.  
Mariah, you used you ZOMG!1111SUPER SPECHEL POWERZZ11111!!1(tm) to get yourself off the island. That was a good move, too," Jade H. told her.

"Jade S. Great work on the raft, but now I have that theme song stuck in my head, so thanks a lot.  
Emily, you stole the Others submarine. Good for you!  
And finally, Natasha: You stole Jack Sparrow's thing and this isn't even his fandom! That shows that you're really Sueish!  
Now, I guess we can get on with the voting-"

"OH NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!!!!" Amber screamed.  
They all looked around. There was Amber, still in the TV.  
"I GET HELD UP AT THE TV STATION FOR ONE MINUTE AND YOU PEOPLE ARE STARTING WITHOUT ME?  
I AM A MARY SUE!!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!!! I- HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!? DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL-" click.

"Thank you," Jade H. said to Evey, who had turned the TV off.  
"Now, tonight's immunity winner is..."

HALF HOUR AFTER THE COMMERCIALS

"...Evey."

"WOOOT!!" Evey said, doing a sexy little dance.

"Well, now all the other men around the world just had heart attacks," Jade H. muttered.  
Evey twirled up to the coconut and and slipped her paper in.  
The other Sues followed her.

"Whoooo kay, lets get started. First vote, Amber, suprise suprise. Sarah. Amber. Emily. Emily. Amber. And since Amber can't vote, the next person voted out of LOST: SUEvivor

is...

...Emily."

"Whhhhhaaaaat?!?!" Emily whined.  
"Sorry," Jade H. said, shrugging.  
Emily stompped off, sulking.  
"OK, Mary Sues, I'll see you next week for you fifth challenge!"

END OF CHAPTER 4

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: The Sues are forced to confront something that most Sues wouln't be able to stand.

A/N: OK, please review! And the death glare joke was from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode Gunslinger. And go to the link on my profile. I made a SUEvivor logo. 


	5. Challenge 5: Something about boars

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, people! I need you guys to tell me who you want to win and stuff, kay?

CHALLENGE 5: THE BOAR CHALLENGE

The next week on the island, all the Sues were suffering from insane boredom.  
Evey had actually started giving make overs to monkeys.

//Evey's cam//

"That's right; I give monkeys make overs. You would be suprised by how badly they need lip gloss."

"Do monkeys even have lips?" Jim whispered.  
"If they don't, I wasted a lot of my life," Evey answered.

//Mariah's cam//

//sob// "I h-hate it here!!! There's like, n-nothing to do and I ran out of mascara and Evey took my lip gloss and a seagull tried to take my hair because it's so shinny and I have one spilt end and I got a sunburn and I WANNA GO HOME!!!!"

//back to island cam//

A rock landed near Amber. "Hey! It didn't hit me this time!" she squealed, running to pick it up. She tripped over it. As she dusted the sand off her, she unwrapped this weeks instructions.  
"Hey guys! It's here!" All the Sues ran up to her. "It says, 'Today you must face something very difficult in the jungle. You will all be asked to wear red for reasons we won't explain here.'"

All the Sues thought about that as hard as they could (so you can imagine how that went) and then they went to their tents to find something red.  
"My head hurts from thinking so much," Amber said.

A while later they all left their tents and trekked into the jungle to find Jade H., who was waiting for them as usual.  
"Welcome Sues- Oh my. Evey, I really don't think that out fit is a good idea for this challenge," she said, indicating to Evey's tiny red bikini.

"Please. Bikinis are for all occasions," Evey said with a flip of her hair.  
"Yyyyyeeah, I don't think it's good for THIS occasion," Jade H. said, shaking her head. "So, anyway, first things first: Evey, you go first. Just wander around the jungle aimlessly until you come to the little corral/pen thing. Then go in. You'll know what to do." Jade H. cackled insanely.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Evey did as Jade H. said, wandering around the jungle, wishing she hadn't worn stilettos. Still, it was sexy so she'd deal with it.  
She was humming 'Don't cha' when she came to the corral/pen thing. She shrugged obliviously and walked in.  
"Hey, what-" she started as the gate was shut and locked. Evey turned around. She was facing an angry looking boar. "Oooooh crap," she muttered, glancing down at her red bikini.

Suddenly, the boar charged at her. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Evey screamed, dashing for the wall of the pen.  
She jumped over it, but so did the boar.  
"OMG!!! HEEEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!" She shrieked. She yanked off one of her stilettos, throwing it at the boar.

The first one missed, but the second one smacked it right on the head.  
It swayed, then fell over.  
Evey didn't notice, though. She was still running through the jungle screaming like a beautiful banshee.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Sarah wandered into the jungle for her challenge.  
She had taken the 'practical' approach and was wearing a red tube top and cut off denim shorts.  
"Well, this is nice. Wandering through the jungle, about to go into a nice enclosed animal corral, nothing could possibly go wro-Hey! There's a boar in here!" Sarah cried.  
The boar snorted, scraping the ground and being generally angry. The Sue's eyes widened.  
"OMG. I'm wearing red," Sarah whispered.  
The boar charged.

Sarah flung herself against the door of the pen, but it was locked for some reason.  
The boar was coming straight at her, only seeing her red tube top (yeah, I know, it's bulls that get mad at red, but hey, it could be boars too).

Sarah threw herself to the ground and rolled, just in time for the boar to smack into the door.  
"What. The. Hell." she panted. "Way the freak would they tell us to wear red if we were about to be attacked by a freakin' boar?!?!"

XOXOXOXOXO

Mariah sulked through the jungle. She was tired of all these challenges.  
Though getting to wear her favorite red micro mini dress did cheer her up a little.  
She sighed as she came into the animal pen. "I'm sure what ever this is, it's gonna suck."

And sure enough, she turned around and stared into the face of a giant, pissed off boar.  
Fortunately for Mariah, her dress was so tiny it really wasn't enough material for the boar to get angry at. But it charged anyway.  
With a scream, Mariah snapped her fingers and disappeared with a puff of sparkling pink smoke.

XOXOXOXOXO

Jade S. walked through the forest, wearing a red tank top and a red bandanna.  
"I just know this isn't safe," she said. "What was it about all the 'red shirts' on Lost? Oh yeah. They all die!!"

Jade S. approached the corral/pen thing and looked inside before going in.  
"Hey! There's a boar in there! That's not nice!" Jade S. opened the gate, standing way back.  
"Run free, little boar! Run to your family and be free"  
The boar ran out of the pen and chased the camera crew. They ran off screaming. "Oh, come on!" Jade S. called after them. "It's just a little baby boar!"

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Amber skipped across the jungle until she ran into the pen.  
"Ouch. Oh well," she giggled.  
No sooner had she opened the gate did the boar attack.  
"Hey...why is that boar getting closer? Oh! Agh!" Amber turned around and ran.

The boar ran into her from the back and she went tumbling.  
Amber popped up and ran up a tree.  
"Help me!!! There's a rabid boar trying to eat me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Natasha wasn't worried about this challenge. She didn't even wonder why she was forced to wear red (she was happy; this was her excuse to wear her red corset, mini skirt, and fishnets). Of course, the high heeled boots were making it harder for her to wander around the jungle and she looked like something from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but she was happy.

She teetered into animal pen and closed the gate behind her.  
Natasha flipped her mysterious black hair and limped around until she was facing the angry boar.

"Hmmm," she said when she saw it glaring at her. "I bet the writers of the show didn't count of me being able to control animals"  
Natasha circled around the boar, staring deep into its eyes.

The poor animal watched her move with wary eyes.  
It stopped grunting and pawing the ground and just stared at the Sue.  
Slowly, the boar's eyes started rolling around until they looked like a cartoon character being hypnotized.  
Suddenly it dropped onto the ground, sleeping.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The Sues were standing in front of Jade H. None of them were happy.  
Evey was sobbing, Sarah was fuming, Mariah was no where to be seen, Jade S. was whistling, Amber was still screaming, and Natasha was applying eye liner.

"Well, that was very interesting," Jade H. said. "I"  
"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING?!?!" Sarah screamed, stamping her foot.  
"We could have been killed, and there you are sending us out in red"  
"Yeah, well...that's what made it interesting. We had to find some challenge that fit Lost. Anyway. Lets get on with it. Natasha, you did something very Sueish; using your powers of animal control. Therefore, you win immunity."

"WOOO!! Damn right, baybeh," Natasha said, jumping up and down, which was hard in her shoes.

"OK, lets start the voting," Jade H. said handing her the coconut.  
Natasha wrote the name and the other Sues followed.  
"Alrighty now, first vote, Mariah. Amber. Evey. Mariah. And since Mariah's not here to vote, the next person voted out of SUEvivor: Lost is...

TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

"...Mariah."

Silence.

"Um, OK. I'll see you guys next week!"

END OF CHALLENGE 5

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: There's something to do with the real women of Lost. Can't explain. Just read.

A/N: OK, review!!! 


	6. Challenge 6: Sues V Real people

A/N: Sorry this took so long! I've been really busy. But review, please?

CHALLENGE 6: SUES V. REAL CHARACTERS

It was a week after the boar challenge and some of the Sues were still angry about almost being trampled and stuff.  
Now that Mariah had been voted off the show...well, things had been pretty much the same. She really didn't add that much.  
Anyway, today the Mary Sues were sitting on the beach, as usual, angsting, "thinking", doing each other's hair, or plotting.  
Things were pretty quiet on the Island. Sarah was reading a book, 'Things to Cook When You Only Have Coconuts to Work With', and trying out some new recipes.

"OK, everyone! Here it is, a steak made entirely out of coconuts!" Sarah announced.  
Everyone stared at the 'steak' on the plate.  
"Sarah, I hope you're not too offended when I say I'd rather eat you," Natasha said.  
Sarah huffed. "Fine! Starve then!" She picked up the food and stomped away.

"My god, we're slowly going insane on this island, aren't we?" Jade S. gasped.  
"Well, Evey's now slow dancing with a monkey, so I'd say yes," Amber said. "Ow." The rock had hit her on the back of the head.

Jade S. snatched up the rock and read from the banana leaf. "It says 'Today's challenge will be held in the Caves. This time you'll have to compete with the real Lost women for the hot guys.' "  
"Hmm. Isn't that a little offensive? Having women compete for the guys?" Evey asked.  
"Dude...we're Sues. All we DO is compete for the guys," Amber said. "And Sues are offensive to everything that can read."

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Later that night all the Sues hiked up to the Caves for the challenge.  
When they got there, they found Kate, Claire, Sun, Shannon, and Ana Lucia (yes, Libby should be there, but that's OK) all waiting for them while the hot guys just sat around looking nervous.  
"Wow. They really went all out for this challenge, resurrecting people from the dead and all," Sarah said.

"Welcome, Sues!" Jade H. said. "Now, you may be wondering why we've brought real characters here. Well, in this challenge, you'll have to make the Hot Guys decide if they want you, the Sues, or the well written, at least a little believable, and very pretty Lost girls.  
Now, Evey, you're paired with Claire. Sarah, you're with Sun. Jade S., you're paired with Kate, Amber is with Shannon, and Natasha is with Ana Lucia. Ready? go!"

Evey and Claire looked at each other in disgust. It's a known fact that real characters and Sues are mortal enemies.  
The two of them stepped up to the Hot Guys.  
"Charlie, you'll pick me, right?" Claire asked.  
"Of course," Charlie said, but he was still staring at Evey.

"Alright, Claire, you have one minute to tell Charlie why he should pick you," Jade H. said. It doesn't matter that Evey usually isn't paired with Charlie; she's a Sue of many men.  
"Um, well...I guess because it's so obvious to the entire world that we love each other," Claire began. "You've saved my baby a lot and stuff...and we've had such history together! Who can forget what you did when I lost my memory? And the invisible peanut butter"  
Every Lost fan watching went 'Awww' at the memory.

"Awww," said Charlie, tearing his eyes away from Evey. "That's so sweet, Claire. I "  
"My turn!" Evey interpreted. "Charlie, you should love me! I don't need a reason why you should love me. Me just saying it should be enough. Look at me: Gorgeous. New. And I don't have any stretch marks from having a stupid baby"  
"Hey! I got my figure back the hour after having a baby! Beat that!!" Claire yelled.

"OoooK, people. Next up, Sarah V. Sun," Jade H. announced.  
The two of them were trying to get Jin for three reasons: One, Sun has never been paired with anyone else. Two, lots of people think he's hot. And three, Sarah is everyone else's sister.  
"Jin, this is ridiculous. I am your wife. We've been together the whole series. This is some bizarre product of a fan girl's imagination. We never even agreed to be on this show," Sun said.

"That's nice Sunny. Anyway, Jin. OBVIOUSLY you're in love with me! Look at me! You can't beat how hot I am!" Sarah said happily.  
Jin stared at her. "Go away," he said.  
"Well, you don't speak English very well. I'm sure you meant 'I love you'," Sarah said. Jade S. coughed something that sounded like 'delusional.'

"How touching. Next up: Jade S. V. Kate," Jade H. said.  
"Sawyer...well, I obviously can't admit that I love you, since the writers f Lost still like to pretend that I might end up with Jack. But remember what a great time we had in the cage? You know you want me," Kate said. "And our ship name is awesome! Skate? That just rocks. What would it be with this Sue? It can't be Jawyer, that's already you and Jack."

"Alright, Jade S., why do you think you should be with Sawyer?" Jade H. asked.  
"I don't," Jade S. said. Everyone gasped. "Oh, relax. I mean, I love him and stuff, but Kate and Sawyer HAVE to end up together!!! SKATE IS FATE!!" Jade S. screamed.  
"In fact," she said, pushing Kate toward Sawyer. "I'll use my Sue powers and marry you two right now!!"

"Noooo!!" Kate yelled. "Then I won't be free to kiss Jack and cry about it!!" "Shut it and let me do this!" Jade S. said. "Ahem. Dearly beloved"  
"OK!!! Next up, Amber and Shannon will try to convince Boon that they are better than each other," Jade H. said, trying to get Jade S. to stop marrying Lost characters. She had finished with Kate and Sawyer (ha ha, Jaters! They're married now!) and was now moving on the Charlie and Claire.

Amber and Shannon gave each other nasty looks as they walked past.  
"Boone, listen to me. I'm really hot and you know you want me! Now pick me, dumb ass," Shannon said.  
"Boone, listen to me. I'm really hot and you know you want me! Now pick me, dumb ass," Amber said. Shannon stared at her. "That's exactly what I said," she said. "But Boone, come on! I'm your sister"  
"That's why you should pick me!" Amber said. "We wouldn't be creepy"  
"That's true..." Boone said. Shannon pinched him.

"Alrighty then. Last is Natasha and Ana Lucia for Jack," Jade H. said to the camera.  
Ana Lucia went up first. "Jack. Pick me and I won't shoot you"  
Natasha looked like this: O.O "Ahhh, anyway, Jack...pick me because I'm awesome and I'm not trigger happy," she told him.  
"Hmm? What was that? Sorry, I was too busy shooting something," Ana Lucia said.

"OK, now the judges will decide who they think is better: Real characters or Sues. Hey, maybe this will make Suethers stop pairing our hot guys with their Sues," Jade H. said.  
"Since when have they cared about what the general public want?" Charlie said.  
"True."

"OK," he said. "Since I was first, I'll go first again. I pick...Claire"  
"Oh, that's so sweet!" Claire said. "Hey, where's my baby"  
"I pick Sun," Jin said in Korean.  
"OK, that must mean he picks me," Sarah announced.  
"No it doesn't he said"  
"Sun, please. I speak every language known to mankind. I think I know what I'm talking about a little more than you do," Sarah said annoyingly. Sun looked outraged.

"Well, I guess I'm stuck with Kate anyway, since we're married and all," Sawyer said.  
"Yes, you are!" Jade S. cried.  
"And I pick...Amber," Boone said. There was a gasp from everyone. "Oh, come on! I couldn't pick my sister! Even I think I'm gross"  
"And I pick Natasha, because I don't think she's going to kill me," Jack said.

"Wow! Almost all the judges picked the real characters, proving once and for all that they are better than Mary Sues!" Jade H. said. She turned to the camera. "You here that, authors? MORE. THAN. SUES. But anyway, since Natasha and Amber were both picked, as a special SUEvivor twist, they both win immunity"  
Everyone gasped.  
"People, you've got to stop doing that," Jade H. said, annoyed.

"Awesome. Does this mean we can keep going out with the Sues?" Jack asked.  
"Uh...noooo...see, we just wanted to know who, if given the choice, you guys would pick. And the writers needed a new challenge," Jade H. said, slowly pulling Amber and Natasha away from Jack and Boone. "Anyway... Time for the vote!"

Amber and Natasha put the names in the All Mighty Coconut. So did the others.  
"OK, first vote, Jade S. Damn, I hate when that happens. Sarah. Sarah. And the next person voted out of SUEvivor: Lost is...

CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

"...Sarah."

"What?! But I'm so wonderfully Sueish!" Sarah whined.  
"Apparently not. Now buh bye," Jade H. said, pushing her away.  
"ANYWAY. I'll see the rest of you next week for your seventh challenge!"

END OF CHALLENGE 7.

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: Every Sue has a past. And next week it's revealed through a series of Sueish flashbacks!

A/N: OK, hope that was a good chapter. I think next 'week' (and by week I mean probably longer) will be better. Please review! - 


	7. Challenge 7: Flash Backs

A/N: Sorry this took so long. I'm just busy. And by busy I mean lazy. Anyway, hope this chapter is funny. Please review!

CHALLENGE 7: FLASH BACK

Amber, Evey, Jade S., and Natasha were the only Sues left on SUEvivor Island (formerly known as Lost Island.  
Evey was on the beach, tanning, even though as a Mary Sue, she was tanned to perfection as it was.

Jade S. came out of her tent, wearing a pink t-shirt that said 'Mary Sue Me' on the front.  
"OMG! Lyk, awesome shirt, Jade S.," Amber said.  
"Thank you, chat speak girl. I got it on this awesome little web site called cafepress. com." Jade S. turned to the camera. "Go there. It rocks"  
Then she walked away muttering angrily about how they wouldn't let her get to the Doctor Who section.

"Wow, I didn't know we had advertisements on the show now," said Natasha.  
"We don't," said Evey. "SUEvivor doesn't need money to stay on the air. The evilness of Mary Sues keeps it going"  
"Oh...kay"  
"The real questions is, did anyone ever find out what Sarah and Emily's evil plan was?" Evey asked.  
"No...but I heard it had something to do with making a deal with Satan..." Natasha said.  
"Oh. Well, Mary Sues are already the spawn of the devil," Evey said with a shrug.

There was a hollow sound as a rock hit Amber in the back of the head.  
"Ouch. I wish they'd stop throwing rocks at us," she said. Then she seemed to realize she had used a complete sentence without chat speak. "Uh...I mean, OMG! dis show is lyk, so meen!"

"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, it says here that our next challenge will take place at the caves, blah blah blah...OOO! OOO! And it says we'll have to prove out Sueish-ness through our flash backs!" Jade S. said excitedly.  
"YAY!" all the Sues said, and then started obsessively brushing their hair.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

That night, all the Sues made their way to the caves, where they found Jade H. waiting for them.  
"Ohhhh! No hot guys this time?" Evey whined.  
"Don't whine, it's not Sueish," Jade H. snapped.  
"Actually it's very Sueish"  
"Shut up. Anyway, tonight, you Sues will be showing the viewers just how angsty and Sueish you truly are with your tragic and shocking flash backs. Now, when I play the 'woooosh' sound, that's your cue to star off into space and have a flash back. Ready? Evey goes first. Aaaand..."

Woooooosh

Evey snapped into Flash Back mode, staring off into the distance...

The scene was now in a fancy hospital room, with lots of important looking stuff that the author won't even try to name.  
A girl was lying in the bed. She was blonde and stunningly pretty, so she had to be a younger version of Evey.

Two people were sitting next to her bed, probably her parents or something.  
A doctor walked in. "I'm afraid I have some bad news," he said.  
"What is it?" Evey's mom asked, looking worried.  
"Your daughter...is a medical miracle," the doctor said.  
"OH MY GOD!!! Wait...that's a bad thing?" Evey's dad asked.  
"Well, no. Actually that's the only good thing. The problem is...Evey has been diagnosed with Mary Sue Syndrome," the Doctor said gravely.  
"NOOOOOOO!" Evey's mother screamed. "I have no idea what that is!"

The doctor guy sighed. "Yeah...it's pretty rare. Basically...your daughter was born without a brain"  
"But...how is she living?" Evey's father asked, now confused by his own daughter's crappy back story.  
"Well, that's Mary Sue Syndrome for ya. She'll just keep on going, a mindless beauty. This has been striking a lot of new OC's lately," the doctor explained.  
"OH MY BABY!" screamed the mom, hugging Evey and sobbing.

woooooosh

Evey came out of flash back mode and grinned at Jade H.  
"See? I had a nice FB and it makes me even more angsty to have a serious medical condition"  
"Mary Sue Syndrome? Please. NO Mary Sue has a brain. And I thought your parents were abusive and died?" Jade H. said. "Oh, forget it. None of you make sense. Jade S., you're next."

Jade S. looked into the distance and the woooooshing sound came up...

wooooooooosh

Jade S. was sitting on the plane next to Jack, reading a book called 'Twenty Ways to Annoy Your Friends and Family'  
"So..." said Jack as he gulped his alcohol. "You're a Mary Sue, huh"  
"Yup"  
"That's cool. I'm a doctor. The best one in the world, actually," Jack informed her as he took another sip.  
"Well, it sure looks like it," Jade S. said, eyeing his drink.

They sat in silence for a few seconds, but it would a kind of boring flash back if that's all that happened, so Jack said, "So, what, are you a fugitive or something"  
Jade S. blinked at him. "Uhhh...noooo"  
"Oh. Con artist"  
"No"  
"Ok...did you kill someone? Are you a druggie? Are you pregnant"  
"No. Why?! Do I look pregnant?!" Jade S. screamed.  
Jack sighed. "No, you look perfectly anorexic like all Sues. But what are you even doing on Lost if you don't have a dramatic past?"

Jade S. glared at him. "How's this for dramatic? The last guy to bug me about my past woke up dead"  
Jack looked confused for a minute, but decided not to question her cause she was pretty.

woooosh

"Uh, OK. Jade S., nothing really happened in your flashback," Jade H. pointed out.  
"No, but I really don't have anything real dramatic. I had to settle for weird," Jade S. explained.  
"Uh huh. Anyway. Amber, you're next"  
"Right." The camera was suddenly on Amber's face as she started looking distant.

woooooosh

A younger version of Amber was standing on stage wearing a pretty pink dress.  
There were a few other girls standing with her, but Amber was one of the prettiest, naturally.  
She looked really excited as she stared into the audience. "I just know I'm gonna win!" she thought.

The announcer dude came on stage too, holding a microphone.  
"And the winner of our annual Little Miss Creepy Children's Beauty Pageant is...Ima Barbie"  
The crowd cheered as a pretty little blond girl walked up to the front, smiling and waving.  
Amber's jaw dropped. How did this happen?!?! She was a MARY SUE!!! They won everything!

"WAIT A MINUTE!!!" little Amber screamed, stomping up to Ima Barbie and snatching the crown off her head.  
"I'M A FREAKIN' MARY SUE!!! I DEMAND TO BE THE WINNER! NOT THIS STUPID LITTLE MORTAL"  
Little Ima started crying as Amber screamed bad words at the judges until her parents rushed on stage and dragged her kicking and screaming away.

woooooosh

The now-day Amber was sobbing hysterically. "T-that was the w-worst day of my life! To think that a mere mortal could POSSIBLY win over ME! It's an outrage"  
"Jeez! I guess Mary Sues do everything well, including throw a hissy fit! Anywho, Natasha, you're up last," Jade H. said.

"I resent the fact that I'm always last," Natasha said.  
"Yeah, well, you're the Sue the author thought of last, so get on with the flash back!" Jade H. snapped.  
Natasha glared at her before zoning out.

woooooosh

Natasha was already on the island in this FB.  
She was running around for no apparent reason and looking distant, like people do in bad scary movies. There was also the classic Dramatic Lost Music (tm) playing the background.

There was a scary sounding roar from somewhere behind her and she started running again.  
Finally, she tripped over a conveniently placed root sticking out of the ground, and the dreaded Smoke Monster was suddenly hovering over her.

Now, despite the fact that a Smoke Monster is not all that terrifying, people on Lost seem to think so, which made it all the more shocking when Natasha stood up and faced the monster.  
"Bad monster! Fear my Sueish powers!" she said, whacking it with a rolled up newspaper.

The monster recoiled away from her paper of doom, but then started trying to kill her again. "Hey! I said down! Down boy! That's it! No treat for you. Do you wanna go back to the leash?" Natasha glared at the monster and her eyes started glowing red with evil Mary Sue power.  
The monster whined and ran off in the other direction.  
Natasha watched him leave and then turned around. "Stupid monsters..." she muttered before going back to running frantically and looking distant.

woooooosh

"Wow, Natasha. Nice work! Who knew you could control the Smoke Monster?" Jade H. said.  
"OK, now it's time to announce who wins immunity. Evey, you were great on Mary Sue standards, having a super rare medical condition and all. That's nice. Though no real surprise that you don't have a brain."

"Oh, thank you! Heeeey...wait a minute..." Evey said.  
"Don't worry, it'll come to ya. Anyway, Jade S...yeah...just...yeah. OK, so Amber. That was a shocking display of aggression out there today. And you lost a beauty pageant? Weird. And Natasha. You did good today, displaying you're crazy powers. But the winner is...Evey," Jade H. announced.

"I do too have a brain!" Evey yelled, finally figuring out Jade H.'s insult. "Oh. Actually I don't. Never mind"  
"Ugh. Time for the voting. Take care of it yourselves; I'm getting myself a mocktail," Jade H. said, throwing them the coconut and heading to mini bar.

Evey put in her vote, then all the others. And since Jade H. was gone, Jade S. took her place, since she looked most like her and everything.  
"Kay. First vote. Me. You guys are jerks. Anyway, next vote, Amber. Amber. And the next person voted out of SUEvivor: Lost is..."

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

"...Surprise, surprise. Amber."

"What?! But I'm a Mary Sue! I demand to win"  
"Yeah, we heard this little spiel in the flash back. Good bye," Jade S. said, pushing her away.  
"I'll see you next time on SUEvivor!"

END OF CHALLENGE 7

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: Three Sues remain in the competition, and in this challenge, they must use their Sueish power to make a normal looking mortal look freaking awesome.

A/N: Man, that took forever to write! Hope it's good. Please review! 


	8. Challenge 8: Saving Sues

A/N: OK, here it is: The second to the last chapter. Hope it's alright. Oh, yeah. I changed the challenge. I couldn't think of anything for the one I said would happen, and one of my lovely reviewers, Osiris-Ra, suggested they save someone Sueishly.  
That's funny, so I'm goin' with that.

CHALLENGE 8: SAVING SUES

The Sues were on the beach (surprise, surprise.  
Today, Jade S. decided it would be nice to annoy all the other Sues. It wasn't working on Evey, who was so dense she didn't notice what was annoying and what wasn't.  
Jade S. was singing the weirdest (and in her opinion best) song ever. 'Idiot Control'  
It was a bizarre song that made no sense what so ever, but it was hilarious.

Natasha had had enough. She liked her music to make sense, thank you.  
She actually growled. "WOULD YOU STOP SINGING THAT STUPID SONG"  
Jade S. stopped singing and glared at her. "Alright. Not that kind of music. I think I know the thing." And she started singing again. " When loving lovers love, and loving love on wings of golden loving love we fly above-"

"NOOOOO!" Natasha yelled.

"How 'bout this? Oh, I'm a danger to myself and others! My cousins are as close as brothers!  
I stay out in the rain all the time!"

Natasha sobbed and walked away.  
"Hey! That song was 'A Danger to Myself and Others'! It's a classic!," Jade S. yelled after her.  
"I liked it," Evey said.  
"Of course you did."

A big rock came out of no where and landed with a thud next the Evey.  
Apparently whoever threw the rock only liked to smack Amber in the empty head.  
Jade S. picked it up and unwrapped the note from the rock. "It says to come to caves to meet our challenge. What's that supposed to mean"  
"Hmmm," Evey said. "Maybe we have to wrestle a live dolphin"  
Jade S. looked at her like this: -- "Why do I hang out with you?"

XOXOXOXOXO 

So later on that day the Sues made their way through the jungle to the caves, Evey chatting happily about how shiny her hair was.  
When they reached the caves, they found Jade H. waiting for them, like she always was.  
Torches had been lit in a circle to make things more dramatic, even though it was still sunny out.

"Sues, welcome to your final real challenge. I don't know why we call the last one a challenge, since it's not very challenging. Anyway, today your going to do something very noble and Sueish, just like all good little Sues," Jade H. said.

"What?" all the Sues asked.

"You have to save the life of a Lost character in a wonderfully Sueish way!" Jade H. said enthusiastically.  
"It's true, this isn't a total Lost fan fic cliche, but it'll be damn amusing. So, you guys get to pick which character you want to save from a horrible death. Just remember to make it dramatic, self-glorifying, and stupid, which is what all Mary Sues are. Good luck!" Jade H. wandered away, whistling Idiot Control.  
The Sues looked at each other before turning and running away, all intent on finding a Lost character and saving him.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

//Evey's cam//

Evey looked into her camera. "I'm going to save Jack. As a Beach!Sue, I can be paired with him, so It really helps us fall in love when I save his life," she explained.

Anyway, Jack was standing on the beach, enjoying life as King of the Island.  
Suddenly Evey ran up to him. "JACK!!! DON'T WORRY!!! I'LL SAVE YOU!!!!" she screamed.  
Jack frowned at her. That was his line. "What'd you mean you'll save me? Save me from what?"

Evey stopped running and thought for a minute. Suddenly she pushed him into the ocean and held him down.  
"OMG!! JACK, YOU'RE DROWNING!!!! I'LL SAVE YOU, MY LOVE!!!"

Jack thrashed around in the water, trying in vain to get away from the Sue.  
She finally dragged him out of the water and laid him on the beach.  
Jack spit out a mouth full of salt water and gasped for breath. "What the hell was"  
"Don't worry! I'll perform CPR!!" Evey yelled at the people who had gathered around to watch the insanity.  
"What?! No"  
But it was no use. Evey was pounding on his chest and doing her CPR.  
"Someone help me! She's trying to save my life and I'm gonna die!!" Jack screamed when Evey started pushing on his chest again.

Finally Evey stopped. "Yes! He's breathing! I think he'll make it"  
Evey layed a hand on his shoulder. "Thank god I saved you"  
She turned and walked away proudly. "Who the hell WAS that?" Jack demanded when she was gone.

XOXOXOXOXO

//Jade S.'s cam//

Jade S. was hiding in a bush watching Sawyer.  
She turned to her camera. "I'm saving Sawyer, since I'm in love with him and all. What do you mean, what am I going to save him from? Look at him"  
The camera turned to Sawyer, who was sitting in his tent, eating a pomegranate (do they have those on the island? Oh well. It's a Sue fic, it doesn't need to make sense).

"Just look how much danger he's in. He could choke to death at any moment!" Jade S. said dramatically. The camera guys looked skeptical. "OK, fine. Just you watch." Jade S. suddenly lunged out of the bushes and throw herself at Sawyer.

"SAWYER!! NO!!!!! YOU'RE TOO PRETTY TO DIE!!!!!!!" she screamed.  
"What?" Sawyer asked, looking at her like she was crazy.  
Jade S. ripped with pomegranate out of his hands and lobbed it into the ocean.  
"There. Now you're safe," she sighed.  
"What are you talkin- Ack!" Sawyer cried. He had started choking on the fruit.

"Oooooh...crap," Jade S. said as he choked and gasped for air.  
She thumped him on the back. "Can I get a little help over here?! Pretty man dying"  
One of the camera crew rushed over to help him while Jade S. stood around watching.  
"OK," she said when he was done choking. "See what I mean? If I hadn't have been here"  
They were all glaring at her.  
"Oh, fine! Be that way!" and Jade S. stomped away.

XOXOXOXOXO

//Natasha's cam//

Natasha had decided she wanted to save Sayid, since he too was very hot, and that's all that matters in a world of Sues.  
But she was still a RandomIslandGirl!Sue, so she had to act accordingly. That's when she got the perfect idea.

A few minutes later she had set up a net. Now she just had to wait.  
Natasha sat in the tall grass, thinking about how nice it was to be the smartest Sue on the island.  
She had just figured out the meaning of life when Sayid came walking through the jungle.  
In reality, Sayid wouldn't have been stupid enough to step in the trap. But since this was Sue fic, reality didn't matter.

"Hey, what's this -AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" he screamed as he was thrown into the air. Again, probably something he wouldn't do, but still.  
Natasha let him hang in the air for a few minutes, and then rushed up to him, pointless cross bow ready.

"Who are you?" she demanded.  
"Who are you?" he asked. Natasha glared at him. He wasn't playing right.  
She jabbed him with her cross bow. "ANYWAY. It seems you've fallen into one of the Others traps! I'll try to save you!"

So Natasha ran around the hanging man, looking for a way to get him down.  
For as smart as she was, she was still a Sue. As a species they weren't that bright.  
Finally she had a great idea. "I know!"

Natasha quickly climbed a tree and started sawing at the rope.  
"Uh, I think I'm going to fall..." Sayid said as she sawed.  
"Quiet, you. I'm a Sue," Natasha snapped.  
Finally the rope snapped and Sayid fell to the ground.

"There. I've saved your life. You can thank me with a cliched sex scene," Natasha said in a bored tone.  
"Ughhhh...I think I broke my arm..." Sayid moaned.  
"Well, pull yourself together, solider. You're in the Sue fics now!" Natasha snapped.  
"And I hit my head when I fell...I can't remember my name..." Sayid said, rubbing his head.  
"That doesn't matter. All that matters is that you're hot"  
"Umm...alright..."

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Jade H. paced around in front of the Sues.  
She was not amused. "Right. Evey. YOU nearly drowned Jack to death. Fortunately for you, there was no lasting damage.  
Jade S.. You made Sawyer start choking. You do not win for that.  
Natasha. You gave one of the island's prettiest people and concussion. I think it's safe to say you don't win either. Evey, you were the lesser of...three evils, so you win immunity"  
Evey started jumping up and down and clapping.

"OK, vote for someone," Jade H. tossed her the coconut and walked away, muttering about why she still does this show.  
Evey, Natasha, and Jade S. all voted.  
"Kay, one vote Natasha. One vote Jade S. And the next person voted out of SUEvivor: Lost is...Natasha."

"Noooo! But I'm the smart one!" Natasha yelled.  
"No one cares about that," Jade H. said. "Kay, next week will be our final challenge! Tune in!"

END OF CHALLENGE 8

Next week on SUEvivor: Lost: Jade S. and Evey are the only Sues left. Watch as they battle it out to see who wins!

A/N: OK, I'll update some day. And I wrote another Lost parody, so read it, kay? And review!! 


	9. Challenge 9: The Final Challenge

A/N: Ok...here's the last chapter. :'( I'm sure all of you are just so sad. I'm kidding, BTW. Anyway, please review!

CHALLENGE 9: THE FINAL CHALLENE

Evey and Jade S. were the last Sues on the island.  
At the moment, Evey was running in slow motion down the beach, carrying a surf board. It was just like a scene in Bay Watch, which was what she was going for.

// Jade S.'s cam//

"This is so weird! I've never been in the final challenge! Now I know what it feels like to be the most Sueish Sue... I thought it'd be more for filling ."

//normal cam//

"This is so fun!" Evey said happily. "I'm so glad I get to share this with my best Sue friend! Course, I'm going to destroy you, but still"  
"Sure, Evey," Jade S. said dully. She really doubted she would win, but Evey didn't have to be annoying.

"What's the first thing you're gonna do when we get home?" Jade S. asked to change the subject.  
"I'm gonna put highlights in my hair!" Evey said excitedly.  
"You mean you don't have natural highlights"  
"Ummmm...yes... What about you"  
"I just wanna play the Role Play game Adventure Quest! I could be doing Mage Quests right now," Jade S. sighed sadly.  
Evey gave her a pitying look. "Jade, try not to be so dorky when you're a Sue"  
"You're just jealous that you're still a level 3 and I'm a 26"  
"Hey! Those monsters are hard to kill!!!" Evey shrieked.  
"Whatever."

They sat in silence for a while. Evey was angsting and Jade S. was trying to ignore it.  
Finally Evey got board and went to pack her stuff, since they would be going home and all.

//Evey's cam//

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll win. How can I not? Most Sues are Beach!Sues and I don't think I'll get any arguments when I say I'm the blondest of them all."

//normal cam//

Thanks to the magic of TV, we don't have to spend an hour watching Evey pack.  
It was now magically night time.  
"This is so sad!" Evey sobbed theatrically. "All our friends our gone! And now I'm going to win and you have to go back to doing whatever it was you were doing"  
Jade S. looked at her like this: -.- "Evey..."

Suddenly Evey threw her arms around her, still sobbing.  
"Um, it's OK...I'm sad, too. But you know, I'll be on next season whether I want to be or not, so I'm kinda alright with all this," Jade S. said.  
"Yeah, but I still have to go home and figure out what to do with my winnings!" Evey cried, like it was so depressing.  
Jade S. said nothing. She was just glad she wouldn't have to deal with Evey's whining all the time.

So Jade S. and the still wailing Evey made their way through the dark jungle.  
They didn't have to worry about the Others, for even the Others feared their Sueishness.  
When they reached the caves, they found there was a light glowing from the inside and went in.

The inside of the cave had totally changed.  
Now, instead of looking all dark and cave-y, it was all bright and filled with lights, TV cameras, and screaming fans.  
The Sues looked different, too. Their hair and make up was all done, so you couldn't even tell they'd been on an island for nine weeks (well, longer than that because of the author's laziness, but you get the point).

Jade S. and Evey went up to the stage and sat down.  
Jade H. was standing in front of them, being host-y. "Welcome to the season finale of SUEvivor: Lost! Today one Sue will go down in history as the most Sueish Lost Mary Sue of them all! Lets meet our constants! Here we have the blond and beautiful Evey the Beach!Sue"  
Cheers and screams rose up for Evey. At first she didn't realize what was happening, so she cheered too. Then some told her what was going on and she stopped.

"And my favorite Sue of all...JADE S., THE AUTHOR!SUE"  
And people cheered for Jade S., who smiled at them happily. People didn't cheer for her like that all the time. I don't know why. People should be applauding me all the time.

"Now, before we start voting, lets meet some of our special guest!" Jade H. said. She turned to the red curtain behind them and watched as it was dramatically swept aside.  
All the Lost Sues who had been voted off took their seats, glaring at the successful ones.

"Sues, welcome back. Now, Alex, you were the first person voted off the island. How do you feel now?" Jade H. asked.  
"Well, I still think I am the most Sueish of all! I deserve to be up there! Not those little poser Sues!" Alex screamed, pointing to Jade S. and Evey.  
"But...we already know who the real Alex is...There's really no point for you anymore," Jade H. pointed out.  
"Well that's true," Alex shrugged, sitting back down.

"Anyway, Teresa was voted out next, but she's in prison right now. The next one was Moxie.  
Moxie, do you have any idea why you were voted out"  
"Of course not! I mean, the only logical reason would be that the others were too threatened by my beauty," Moxie said as if it were just a fact.  
"Uh huh. And you don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you're one of the Others?" Jade H. asked, raising her eyebrows.  
"W-what ever gave you that idea?" Moxie cried, smiling innocently.  
"You said so"  
"Oh. Damn. I thought I lied about that."

"Riiiiiiight. Anyway, since the other Sues that got voted out really weren't that interesting, I'm just going to skip to Amber!" Jade H. said. All the other Sues looked outraged.  
"Kay, Amber. You were the typical Fangirl!Sue. Why do you think you aren't up as one of the finalists?"

"I lyk, have no idea, lol!" Amber giggled. "Maybe it's ma constant use of chat speak, lol"  
Jade H. was giving her a disgusted look. "Yeah, I'd say that's it. Natasha. You were the last one voted out, and the only smart Sue on this season. Do you think that had something to do with why you were voted off?"

"Well, Jade H., I think it does, yes. You see, I had it all. Brains and beauty. They others couldn't handle this," Natasha answered, gesturing to herself.  
"Please!" Evey cried. "We didn't care about your smartyness! All Mary Sues care about are looks, duh!" She turned to the camera. "Remember kids: People only like you if you're pretty!"

Jade H. groaned.  
"Evey! Don't tell the kids that! I mean, what about inner beauty"  
Evey blinked slowly. "Inner beauty? What is this 'inner beauty' you speak of"  
Jade H. rolled her eyes. "Yeah, what ever. Now, before we can start the voting, we have a very important guest: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... Mia Andromeda Raven Yareena Sayana Uzhanay Ebony, the last Ultimate Lost Mary Sue!!! She was a Beach!Sue who also ended up being an Other and a Flashback!Sue!"

A beautiful woman walked out from behind the curtain.  
Her hair was long, wavy, and a perfectly sun bleached blond. She was perfectly tan, and her eyes were swirling sea green and blue. She was wearing a very tight tank top and incredibly small cut off shorts.

"Welcome, Mia Andromeda Raven Yareena Sayana Uzhanay Ebony!" Jade H. cried.  
Mia Andromeda Raven Yareena Sayana Uzhanay Ebony flashed her a dazzling smile that actually flashed and gave a small wave. "It's my pleasure! You all know how much I have to be the center of attention"  
The crowd laughed hysterically.

"Well, isn't that the truth? Anyway, we just want to know if you have any advice for our finalists?" Jade H. asked, this time putting on sun glasses to protect herself from the blinding smile.  
And the Sue did smile again. "Why, yes I do! I just want to tell each of you that there's more to being a Mary Sue than good looks. Remember. You also have to be better than everyone around you. And you want to know how to tell if you're a really good Sue? It all depends on how many guys you can get," she said wisely.

"Wow, that's...just wow. And can you tell us which Sue you're voting for?" Jade H. asked.  
"Of course not! I can't decide between either of these wonderful young Sues!" Mia Andromeda Raven Yareena Sayana Uzhanay Ebony cried, beaming at the other Sues.

"Well, now that all THAT is out of they way, we can start talking to our finalists!" Jade H. cried.  
The Sues groaned. They just wanted to get on with the voting!  
"Evey. In the first challenge, you gave a very Sueish answer, but Sarah won. How did you feel"  
"Cheated! My answer was WAY better than hers!" Evey snapped.  
"Uh huh. But you did win the second challenge, which was the angst off. Did that make up for it"  
"Well...sort of," Evey answered.

"Alright. Jade S. In the third challenge, you won immunity. Course, you were on a team with Evey and Amber, but we'll give this one to you. How did you think you managed that win?" Jade H. asked her.  
"It seems pretty obvious. Seducing people goes a long way," Jade S. shrugged.

"Right. Well, in the fourth challenge, Evey won yet again for her faint-inducing S.O.S.  
Evey, what inspired you to do that?" Jade H. questioned.  
"Well, I knew no man can resist a naked Sue," Evey explained.

"Mmm hmm. And the fifth challenge was the Boar Run. Natasha won that one, but it was very close. Jade S., did you feel you were cheated out of a victory?" Jade H. asked.  
"Not really. All I did was let a boar lose on the camera crew," Jade S. answered.

"OK, now the sixth challenge was the debate. In a special twist, Amber and Natasha both won. Evey, I'm not even gonna ask you how that made you feel. I know. Cheated. Now, on the seventh challenge, Evey won because of her tragic flash back. Evey, did you see that coming"  
"Well duh!" Evey giggled. "I mean, come on! Nothing can beat a tragical disease!"

"Uh huh. Then in your last challenge, it was very hard to decide who won. Both of you almost killed some hot guys, which is not cool. But in the end, Evey won AGAIN. Jade S., were you beginning to lose hope about winning"  
"Considering I've never won before, I didn't expect to win at all," Jade S. told her.

"Well, that's great, ladies! But unfortunately for you, you both still have one challenge: You have 1 minute to convince us all who to vote for!" Jade H. announced.  
"OH! OH! I wanna go first!" Evey cried. "OK... And your time starts now!"

Evey cleared her throat. "Ahem. Friends. Sues. Countrymen. For nine weeks you've watched me win challenge after challenge, never breaking a nail or having my shift places at all. At this moment, I implore you to look into your hearts and see the truth: Who is the blondest Sue of all? Whose won the most challenges? Who uses the most Sue logic? Me, that's who. So I want YOU to vote for me!"

Evey fans around the globe cheered and applauded, while Jade H. and S. stared opened mouthed at her. Did she just make an intelligent sentence?  
"Umm...wow, Evey. Didn't know you had it in ya...OK, Jade S., lets hear your argument," Jade H. said, slowly backing away from this new, strange Evey.

Jade S. took a deep breath. "OK peoples. Think about this: How many fics do you think featured Author!Sues? Well, almost all of them. That's right. Billions of people put themselves right in the fics. So I'm not just here for me. No, I'm here representing every Lost Author!Sue ever written"  
Fans of Jade S. started screaming happily, like fans do.

"Alrighty then! As you can see, we've had a great few weeks. But now that we've heard the Sues' cases, it's come to an end. Let's start the voting," Jade H. said solemnly.  
Dramatic music played in the back ground as everyone in the audience voted. It took a ridiculously long time. The camera went slowly from Jade S.'s face to Evey's. Mia Andromeda Raven Yareena Sayana Uzhanay Ebony kept trying to get in front of the camera, but it didn't work.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the music abruptly stopped.  
"I'll tally up the votes," Jade H. said, standing behind the coconut that held the votes.  
"The viewers at home have voted. And the winner of SUEvivor: Lost, the Ultimate Lost Mary Sue is...

A LOT OF DOTS LATER

"...Jade S.!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jade S. looked something like this: O.O Fans around the world cheered for the Author!Sue, who had gone through like, three other season and had finally won!  
As cheery music played in the background, random people placed a blindingly sparkly tiara on her head.  
Then they gave her a sash that said Ultimate Lost Mary Sue in fancy writing, a bunch of roses, and an oversized check.

"Congratulations, Jade S.!!! You will now win a bizillion dollars!!! And you will go down in history as the most annoying, unrealistic, ultimate Lost Mary Sue!!!" Jade H. cried.  
She turned to the camera as Jade S. waved at people. "Well, that's all for this season of SUEvivor! I hope everybody liked it and we'll see you next time for the new season!"

AFTER SUEvivor:

Jade S. went on to be in future seasons of the show, as well as a billion other Lost fics, where she made out with Sawyer a whole lot. She then went on to be the spokeswoman for SOFFAM (Save Our Fandom From All the Morons), an organization dedicated to keeping Mary Sues and other crappy things off the Internet.

Evey is also still doing fan fiction, only she now models for dirty magazines on the side. You know, for fun. She's also used in SOFFAM's campaign on why you shouldn't write Sues.

Being the 'smart' one, Natasha now travels to foreign countries teaching good OC's how to be Sueish.  
She makes appearances in Lost fan fics from time to time.

THE END!!!

A/N: Hope that chapter was good! Now, what should the next season be??? I thought of a couple more things, so go to my SUEvivor forum and read about it, kay?  
And thank you so much, Elphaba the Wicked Witch for offering to make SUEvivor into a YouTube vid! That's the best idea I've heard...well, ever!  
Please review!! 


End file.
